I Need A Smoke Break

I wish I was angry

I wish I hated you

I wish I wanted to slash your tires or hit you

I wish

I wish

I wish I didn’t have the good flash backs

Of dancing in the kitchen with no pants on, of waking up in the middle of the night and feeling you pull me closer, of dreams spoken and promised and planned

I wish I remembered the bad times

Of you not coming home, of walking home from work because you forgot me, of the way you talked about her, of you screaming at me, of the dogs trying to protect me

I wish I wasn’t so scared

Of you hitting me, of you leaving me, of you choosing drugs over me

I wish it hadn’t all become reality

I wish people stopped call me strong

For leaving when you cheated, for distancing myself, for moving on from the abortion

I wish I didn’t still love you

I wish you didn’t choose her again and again

I wish I knew how to move on

But I wish more than anything that I could have been enough for you

Because now I can’t find ¼ of the love I felt for you

And I don’t know if I ever will

I wish

I am 100% annoyed.
As I sit here in my bed, ALONE, watching Greys Anatomy for the uhhhhhhh maybe 3rd time (?), I can’t help but be kinda salty.
It all started with the always fun search through Netflix to find something NEW and EXCITING. Well. I searched for probably 15 minutes and came across the “recommended for you” section. Of course it was a jumble of Disney movies, a few thriller tv shows, and a bunch of 90’s-mid 2000’s romantic comedies that I’ve undoubtedly seen 2 or 3 times that all end the same way. A beautiful “misunderstood” girl falls for a handsome guy and there are trials and difficulties but in the end they end up together.
WHOOPDY FUCKING DOO.
So here I am. All I wanted for so long was to have that long wonderful happy relationship with an amazing guy that loves me so completely. I had something similar for a while. I had Justin. Who I think loved me. He didn’t love me enough. He was all wrong for me of course, we wanted similar things but he was a dog and I was a horse. Both of us were pets but both of us were different animals. In the end I lost him and a family that loved me like one of their own. That was hard.
Then there was Ben. Everything with him was different. From the first time we hugged to the amazing sex we had. I got that deep fluttery stomach feeling with him and we fell hard and fast. He promised me everything. He wanted to marry me, he loved me, he wanted to spoil me. All the time he was asking me for money, leaving me at night to hang with his friends, and then there was December.
December.
I knew when it was the end of the first week in December that I was pregnant. My period was never that late. I’d had a few scares in the past but nothing like this. I felt weird for sure. I finally broke down and told him that I was worried. He brushed it off and I took a test a few days later.
2 little lines.
I felt my world blurring as I stepped out of the bathroom at the diner I worked at. I can’t do this. I’m about to start school, I could barely afford Christmas that was coming in a few weeks, let alone a baby.
Ben. When I told him his reaction was worse than I expected. “Well. We only have one option.”
The morning sickness was unbearable. I could hardly eat, sleeping was my only peace away from the nausea. I would crave something one moment, make it, and then feel like I was going to be sick. All my favorite things set me off. Coffee, pasta, pizza, cheese, eggs. I tried to stomach some green beans and goldfish, my go to nausea food and it still didn’t stop me from throwing up.
$455
He gave me $100 and drove me to the Planned Parenthood in the next town over.
I took 2 pills and went home. It would take 24 hours for the process to begin. For the bad stuff to happen. Ben had to work. I wanted to call my good friend Mary, a nursing student, to sit with me. It was going to be a hard night. He didn’t want that. He didn’t want to tell anyone because, “…they always blame the guy.”
I laid on the bathroom floor, fading in and out of consciousness for around 3 hours by myself.
It was the most painful, dark, experience of my entire life. I wanted it all to stop, but I had those creeping thoughts in the back of my mind.
…what have I done…
When he came home from work he picked me up off the bathroom floor and layed me in bed. The pain was never ending, the pills they prescribed didn’t work.
The next morning I woke up for the first time in months without feeling nauseas. I was so happy I started crying.
When he was sitting with me in the pizza place 4 months later, telling me he had been cheating on me for months, he thought it was odd that I would have to tell a future partner about December.
The hardest part was before we broke up he told me that he wanted to keep it. That he wanted to have kids with me one day.
The whole time he was cheating on me.
And now there’s Jon. Who is sweet but it’s all so new that I have no idea what I’m doing. I want him to want to spend time with me, want to pick me up coffee, want to take me to movies.
I don’t HAVE to love him though. That was a big realization for me. I don’t have to fall in love with him. I can just date him.
That’s insane to me. I’ve never just “dated” someone before.
So stay tuned kids. Let’s see what happens.  

doughfox:

exhausted-trashgoddex:

when it takes you a while to process what someone is saying and you realize they asked you a question

I cannot fucking believe I am drunk, past midnight, and tumblr is throwing fucking saturated fatty-acids at me

(via nomoreyelling)

Can we have a day where all the people who work in food service can be brutally honest?
Cause that’d be kinda cool.